All for One and One for Money (The Three Musketeers - Movie #4)

my latest film is an homage to the french pulp writer alexandre dumas's seminal classic "the three musketeers" - the touching tale of how four men rid their country of conniving ladies, weak politicos, and overreaching cardinals.

or something.

here is the movie poster:

yes, orlando bloom totally insisted that his face get total precedence in this film's poster. and, yes, i'm going to use the word "film" here VERY loosely.

instead of reviewing this film, perhaps we could play a rollicking game of "count the gratuitous phallic symbols" on its poster instead and call it a day?

no?

pity.

here's the long and short of it: it's a kitschy "pirates of the caribbean"/"kill bill"/"goonies" spin on the classic tale of swordfightin' and womanizin'. athos is sad, aramis is a smoothsmoothie of a priest, and porthos is a bulldog masquerading as a pirate. d'artagnan has cockiness issues, daddy issues, and unsatisfied urges. he gets into duels with all the musketeers on the same day! which, if you've read the book OR seen the charlie sheen/kiefer sutherland/oliver platt/chris o'donnell version of the film, you already knew was coming. hijinx ensue.

i guess i just didn't get the point. i mean, i could see redoing the movie, if, perhaps, you were going to take it in a different direction. but nope. it was virtually a cliched hackjob of every other film in this genre. i'm fairly certain approximately 77% of the dialogue was ripped from other films (including the aforementioned charlie sheen opus). because you can't really pick apart this film's "art", the most logical course of reviewing would here seem to be to give awards. so, let's do this thing!

worst wig: d'artagnan - hands down his hair piece is the least sexy thing about this film. i thought chris o'donnell's 80s streisand wig from the disney musketeers movie was bad, but this, this was awful. he looked like liz lemon after she gets that talk show and cuts her hair. so bad.

scene stealer: the porkchop who played planchet. loved him.

most gratuitous use of a wife: paul w.s. anderson...dude, we get it. you married milla jovovich. but guess what? we've been over her since about 1998. stick a fork in her, she's done.

most likely to be mistaken as orlando bloom: luke evans. if you watch these things for eye candy, watch for this kid. he's like a moody, misanthropic orlando bloom, before bloom became the king of campy scenery chewing.

best bouffant: orlando bloom - hey, he had to win something. if not our hearts, well, then, something else. here's his hair really speaks for itself. maybe once he stops letting himself get typecast as a swashbuckling flamboyant pirate prince, he can go play an elf again or something.

saddest acceptance of a part/best voice: matthew macfadyen - this guy has so much potential and it's squandered here in a film that just blows the shofar. he should be reading chekov on tapes, lulling us to sleep with that deep, resonate voice. not spewing half-witted lines about having a woman to keep you warm at night being the most super-specialest thing ever about life.

most abused use of CGI: AIRSHIPS!!! WTF! no need. i'm sure mythbusters is already on this one, so i'll move on.

most blatant anachronism: this was a toss up for me between the mistakenly long life of james I (he was dead by the film's proposed setting date) and the hall of mirrors being alive, well, and functioning during the reign of louis xiii. there's some confusion regarding the completion of notre dame, but i'll magnanimously let that slide for more egregious errors.

most pathetic plea for a sequel/worst plot device resolution: the last scene. 'nuff said. although christoph waltz's richlieu being able to keep calm and carry on with no consequences also lacked satisfaction as well. there was no "gotchya!" here. just some lame dancing and the ominous hint of more mediocrity to come.

seriously, there were several scenes where the actors just gave looks to the camera as if to say "hey, it's a paycheck!" or "it's your fault for watching this shit!"...it went beyond a sly wink to the audience. it was a cheeky rebuff for wasting our time.

still, if you're looking for fluff, i suppose it could have been worse. it could have been longer.