Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Film #10

This film is the cinematic interpretation of one of my all-time favorite books. Favorite in the sense that you will laugh, you will cry, you will appreciate the spectrum of autism like never before.

Without having to be told Oskar has Asperger Syndrome, like they feel compelled to tell you in the movie.

Let's skip the platitudes, shall we? I mean, it was a good movie, a nice rendition, and I totally cried, so it clearly hit most of the right emotional notes.

But it wasn't how I pictured it.

Thomas Horn was convincing as a precociously intelligent, socially awkward child struggling with the anger of grief, but he was not how I pictured Oskar in my mind.

His performance, however, was forgivable, as it was believable and I liked him by the end. More egregious was the Hanksing of the novel.



Look, I love Tom Hanks. I really do. But putting him in a quasi-serious drama is about as sensible as putting Jimmy Stewart in an action movie. You feel me?

Still, he's not really that bad here, just strange casting. Because let's face it - even though she married that philandering asshat with the motorcycles, there is NO WAY Sandra Bullock would ever end up with a Tom Hanks in real life.

Except, I guess that Rita Wilson is sort of like an older, less precious Sandra Bullock, so maybe it's just my own personal biases here.

Whatever.

The best part of the movie is Max Von Sydow as the Renter.



For a man with no lines, he certainly was pretty damn good.

And Jeffrey Wright, who I think deserves an Oscar (not an Oskar, 'cuz that would be creepy) just for showing up to play in any movie.

Good but not great interpretation of a book that is so clearly visual that it might actually transcend film.

The Black Death (The Woman in Black - Film #6)

Figure One: Poor Daniel Radcliffe, seen here doing his best impersonation of John Stamos's sideburns.

The Woman in Black is a touching tale of the extremes some mothers will go to get revenge for the perceived mistreatment of their children. Or, more aptly, it is a cautionary tale on the poetic potency of promising never, ever to forgive anyone for anything. It begins, like most of these things begin, with a death. Actually, if you want to get all technical about it, it begins with the taking of imaginary toast and tea.

Figure Two: The Three Fisher Girls do their best impersonation of Ginny Weasley, as possessed by Tom Riddle

The opening sequence would have been so much scarier for me if the three barely pubescent teenaged girls next to me didn't provide this not-so-subtle running commentary:

Thing One: Why is there no tea coming out of the teapot?

Thing Two: Oh MY GOD! Why are they stepping on the doll's head!?!

Thing Three: SSSHHHHHH! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Thing One: That poor DOLL!

Thing Two: I don't get why they stepped on her head!

Thing Three: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA.

It went on like that until my sister went to fetch an usher to properly shush the crap out of them.

By then, I'd missed the basic "set-up" of the tale, but, thanks to the girls next to me, managed to figure out that Harry Potter was, in fact, the star of the movie. I'm pretty sure, if they were asked to describe the plot of the movie they paid good money to see, the girls next to us would say something like this:

Harry Potter's wife dies and he gets, like, really sad but is happy when a baby crow delivers him a letter to go to Hogwarts (see Figure Three below).

Upon arriving to Hogmeade, Harry is mistreated by the suspicious townfolk who think he is a Muggle Warlord, and, like the Baby Jesus, tell him there is simply no room in the inn for his kind. He stays anyways, because, he's like, so totally badass.

Harry goes to Hogwarts, where he learns all kinds of cool spells! And tries to find this creepy old unnamed lady who is, like, totally killing all the little kids in Hogmeade. She really needs a butterbeer!

Figure Four: Expelliarmus, Woman in Black!

So, anyways, Harry isn't really observant, and he keeps "seeing" the Woman in Black, and kids keep dying, but his friend Hagrid and Professor Trelawney invite him over for dinner and help him avoid the townspeople. During dinner, Professor Trelawney totally has this vision and starts drawing pictures into the dining room table with the butter knife. She's, like, so not a good artist.

Figure Five: Harry and Professor Trelawney discuss the likelihood of this movie not having a happy ending.

Finally, Harry decides that in order for You Know Who to not kill his still living son, he'd better reunite the Dark Lord-ette with her "lost" child. He and Hagrid go into the moors at midnight, armed with a car and some very sturdy rope. Then, Harry's all like "Accio, muddy corpse!" and he and Hagrid reunite the Dark Lord-ette with her baby. They think they've totally crushed the last Horcrux...Of course, She Who Shall Not Be Named has other plans. The movie ends with Harry Potter and his son waiting at King's Cross Station on Platform 9 3/4 for the Hogwart's Express. To Heaven.

Sigh.

Sadly, they're not that far off.

This film's got plenty of scares - and WAY too many creepy antique toys. And I was with it for 99% of its journey (if you count, hiding behind my sophisticated grey sweater as "with it"). The end, well, the end is terrible. It was as if someone told the filmmakers that a "happy ending" was essential, that death cannot simply be a terrifying place where ladies in black and the much-maligned youth of whatever-town-they-lived-in all run free and torment the living. If you shave off the film's final three minutes, well, then it's a jolly good show ol' chap and I'm so very glad to have seen it during the daylight hours.

Now, rot in hell, xoxo, forever and ever and ever,

The Woman in Grey and Blue