Breaking Dawn, Part One

The first installment of Breaking Dawn joyfully invites you to bear witness to the nuptials of Edward and Bella, their adventures in vampirebaby-making on the Isle Esme, the uncomfortable gestation of said-demon-offspring, and finally the transformation of one anorexic looking Swan to a full bodied, palely robust, blood-eyed Cullen.

Oh, and in between, there are some terrible scenes involving CGI wolves, a CGI baby, the uncomfortable nature of wolfie imprinting, and the most unsexy game of chess ever.

Clearly, the film makers have been inspired both by the cover of the book AND the final scene from Sixteen Candles.

Here's a breakdown of the first half of the film:

1. Bella can't wear heels. Alice judges.

2. Bella has nightmare about impending nuptials during which the Volturi show up and eat all the guests. Free drinks takes on whole new meaning.

3. Edward confesses that he has doubts about the wedding because he used to kill serial killers and rapists back in the Roaring 20s and he's a frickin' monster. Bella tells him that she totally watches Dexter and finds him to be a sympathetic character. They cuddle.

4. Anna Kendrick sits at the wedding and says what's on EVERYBODY'S mind: the only reason 18 year olds get married is if one of them is pregnant. She speaks to the viewer's soul.

5. Bella walks down the aisle looking like a deranged Barbie doll. She's all hypervent-ally until she sees Edward's golden, animal-blood fed eyes. Then, she's okay.

6. The longest part of the wedding is the post-"I do" kiss that is both 1. inappropriate for the setting and 2. just showing off.
7. The wedding speeches are by far the best moment and include awkward in-joking by the bulky Cullen, crazy-lady-havisham hair from Bella's mom, and Bella's dad threatening Edward with a shotgun. Again, the real highlight here is Uber-Jealous Jessica a.k.a. Anna Kendrick who steals the movie and my heart with her bitter rant.

8a. Jac-Abs shows up as a "late" wedding present. Bella presses her sateened body all over him. While we don't blame her, we find it tasteless that she canoodles a man who isn't her husband on her wedding day.

8b. Jac-Abs figures out that Deadward and Bella are going to try to consummate their love during their honeymoon. He freaks out, wolf-styles.

9. Deadward and Bella go on their honeymoon where Bella realizes that she and the vamp are going to get nekkid. She decides to brush her teeth, take a shower, and shave her legs. The audience wonders exactly how long their flight was.

10. After dismissing all the sexy lingerie that Alice packed, Bella decides to skinny-dip en nude avec her husband. Scandalous!

11. Vampire-human sex lasts approximately 40 seconds and destroys a bed.

12. There's a whole side-plot involving playing chess/delaying sexual gratification and the native housecleaners that come to tend the Cullens' love nest and their assessment of Deadward's demonology. But the key part of the next 15 minutes or so is this: Bella discovers that she is pregnant with Deadward's demonbaby.

This scene was probably my favorite. Eddie goes to the mainland to hunt wild pigs and iguanas while Bella decides to eat like she hasn't eaten in three movies. Somehow, that translates into chicken! Which she promptly throws up. Then, Deadward comes home to find his partner puking, she asks for her bag of human hygiene goodies, spies a HUGE box of tampons, and realizes she's late! No EPT, no blood test, no ultrasound. All wee Bella has to do is look at herself in the mirror, touch her belly, and BAM! "I'm pregnant" said the lady.

There goes the honeymoon!

What irked me about the film (and the book) is the blatant pro-life spin of this half of the text. Bella, despite some serious pregnancy complications (which include but are not limited to: the world's worst case of anemia, the baby literally eating her from the inside out, multiple broken ribs due to baby's superstrength, the inability to consume anything than bloodshakes, an uncanny resemblance to Skeletor, and her body folding in half like an accordion in early labor), decides her life is worthless as long as she brings forth this potentially demon offspring. She ignores Eddie's opinion, the advice of medical professionals, and puts her entire care/faith into Rosalie, the only vampire who hates her human guts.

Blech.

The best part of the movie was watching it with my sister. When Belly's body folds into perfect thirds during her labor scene, one of the major characters confirms that "The placenta has detached!" Only a sister will shout "Ya think?!?" at the screen, like the pasty blond guy can hear her.

And this movie lent itself to considerable commentary. The wooden acting of the wolves could easily serve as stake-material for the equally-awful acting of the vampire clan. The brief glimpses into the mind of the wolf/pack - typified by woozy use of the color red and montages of key scenes that Jac-Abs could have no possible way of witnessing (including the aforementioned vamp-humanoid sex scene) - add very little but questionable tension and speaks to the bigger issue of the novel; that nothing ever really happens outside of Bella and Edward's nasty, nasty love for one another. Of course, the conversation with the CGIed pack will go down in history as the most unintentionally funny bit of cinema I've witnessed in a long, long time.

I can't wait for the final installment.

And by "can't wait", I mean "I have a turkey baster-sized shot of vampire venom waiting for the exact moment the film comes out so that I can stab it in its still beating heart, bite its veiny bits, and watch it immortalize right before my very eyes."

Now that's love.